The Cockroulette

 The name of this post might be misleading, but after a few days of research, it is the most accurate name I could come up with, which stems from my persistent and futile attempt at finding out why people use services like Omegle and Chatroulette.(It is also a small break from writing my first children's book, which is going great, thank you for asking)

First of all, I'd like to say that it can't be an easy thing trying to find a lost soul just like yourself in this putrid world. I mean, by judging current statistics, one can deduce that relationships are not meant to last, and if they do, it's an anomaly. Finding that ONE person who tolerates everything about you, like; the smell from your armpit, your morning breath, your filthy habits, your obnoxious hobbies, the way you slur your words when starting to get drunk, drunk-sex-you, post-drunk-sex-you... well, everything really, is a task best fit for MI6, FBI or any other secret government office, because they are the only ones with the means of finding said person. IF you actually happen to find that ONE person all by yourself, you're gonna cock things up to such a degree that they'll end up leaving you, unless: you have a barn stuffed with money, you are insanely manipulative or your skills in bed matches those of a deity. I have yet to figure out how I'm still in this beautiful relationship I'm blessed with... It's not the money, of that I can assure you, so either I'm a manipulative fuck or great in bed. For now, I'll go with the second. (I know of several who'd contest my statement and swear to the other option, but fuck'em)

Anywho, this wasn't about me and my perfect girlfriend. It's about the poor sods who're all alone or caught in a shitty relationship who seek their better half on cheesy services like the aforementioned Omegle and Chatroulette.

I started out with Omegle. It's an easy enough system, where the base principle is that you can talk to a random stranger from anywhere in the world, either by chat or camera. On a busy day there's about 40.000 people using the service, and most of them I found out are either teenagers, or men of such age that they should be ashamed for even getting close to that website.
I went with the chat first, just to get a feel of what I was getting myself into, and by Cthulhu himself, I regretted my decision a mere ten minutes later. Lifeless one liners like "ASL?!", "Horny Male 17" and my favorite "Can I see your boobs?" kept reminding me that I was not really meant to be here.. After maybe thirty minutes which resulted in over 9000 Horny Males, a few booblers (A spoof on googlers, where one searches for boobs)  and two brain-dead conversations that lasted around three minutes, I sighed and decided to try the video based servi.... OH, MY GOD THERE'S A DICK IN MY FACE!!

 No, seriously.... DICK, IN, MY, F... OH BY THE LORDS ANOTH....Aw to hell with this sorry-assed retarded shit-for-brains dick in my face fuck fuck fucking.... piece of shit... Never, NEVER again. EVER!.. Okey just one more.............. FUUUUUCK ANOTHER DICK! Fucking impolite assholes who shove a cam right up to their dick-stem and jerks off in front of it... Old ass fucking, fucks... That's so many levels of wrong!! SO MANY LEVELS! It's like a dick cavalcade behind my eyelids now that just won't go away. I, am, scarred... for life. I hope you get impaled through the head with a giant erection, and then burn in hell while being constantly raped by ginormous dicks... Huge giant sized penises. Penis, it's all that's left. Penis.

Why, by the dark gods why??!! Please no more dicks, I BEG OF YOU!

Ok, so that went, not great. I have now seen more male genitalia than half the female population.  Hopefully, by now, you understand that Omegle is not the place for true love, unless your true love is old dicks, or teenage girls... Yeah, no, don't even think about it, it's the illegal kind of teenage. Despite deciding to brave on and embrace the pain, being confronted with moronic kids and shitty yo-olde dicks just proved to me that there is no such thing as love, or a remote cousin of love to be found on Omegle. After several tries, and failures, I'll gladly stay away from the place. Let's move on before Chris Hanson shows up.

Needless to say, my hopes weren't exactly high for Chatroulette after my traumatic experience with Omegle,
but still, I ventured on like the brave (and mentally scarred) champion of truth I pose as. It didn't have the anonymous chat function of Omegle, so without any directions I started the cam-roulette and crossed my fingers. It took me around forty minutes of "rouletting?" before I found, or shall we say someone found me, (You have the option of "passing" on to another user anytime) and by then my enthusiasm was down the drain and drowned like an unwanted baby. Me and some really ugly guy from Nicaragua talked for about ten minutes about weather, Scandinavian chicks and the copious amount of dick found on both Omegle and Chatroulette... Yeah, did I forget to mention that? There are PLENTY of dicks on chatroulette as well. I was already so mentally prepared for dicks that it didn't even register at first. For a moment, I stopped to have an intense internal journey just to clear things out with myself and to ensure that I wasn't gay, or turning gay because of the constant exposure to dicks. (I get the feeling you can't just turn gay because of over-exposure to dicks, but better careful than sorry).
Anyway, after me and Nicaraguan said farewell, I was none the wiser about the search for "true love". He was just looking for funny people, and I'd been so utterly destroyed by penises, and suffered now from low self-esteem thanks to the myriad of people who just "passed" when they saw me... Still, I continued.
After another million dicks, I was coupled with a German girl who lived and studied in Norway. We talked for a few minutes, and I proceeded to ask her what she was doing on chatroulette. She politely replied that she was searching for friends, or a handsome Norwegian guy whom she could get to know better. (You can choose which countries you want to search for people in, huh...) I told her about my perfect relationship, so she passed on me... I guess you're not supposed to tell people you're in one if you want to talk to them for an extended period of time, which also strengthened my theory about these services as nothing more than a hook-up place for desperate and/or horny people.
So, I kept on.
Another gazillion dicks... Then, the last person I talked to, a newly separated woman from somewhere USA. I never got to ask what she was doing there, as I'd been awake for 24 hours, and had been drinking an insane amount of coffee/energy drinks. We talked about general stuff, mocked the general populace on Chatroulette, and talked some more. I remember little to nothing about the conversation as a whole, but I remember it was a good talk. Obviously I came no closer to an answer, but at least I had one good experience during the whole trial.
After that, I quit... rubbed my eyes with alcohol and glycerine, lit them up like a bonfire and removed the stems with an ice-pick.

My conclusion?

Stay, the, fuck, away, from, these, services. Unless you're a creep who wants people to see your dick, or a teen who wants to see dicks.
Neither Omegle or Chatroulette offers "true love"... Just ugly and/or pretty people who passes on you and ugly dicks whom also passes on you.
It's a place where your looks might get you a conversation that lasts for maybe twenty or so minutes, but unless you're really fucking lucky, the partner is going to get bored and pass you on like a shitty piece of toilet paper.

I feel sullied... Dirty. I came no closer to answering my original question, so I have to admit I failed, miserably. The only thing I left with, was one question, why do old people shove their dicks in a camera. Also, I have said the word dick or penis 26 times... That should be a fair warning.